I read a couple of quotes today, and I was just floored at work.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. — Mark Twain

It’s not so much that we’re afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it’s that place in between that we fear… It’s like being between trapezes. It’s Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. There’s nothing to hold on to. — Marilyn Ferguson

I just wanted to share those.

  posted by tokitikki @ 10:33 AM

 
I feel positively brilliant!

I'm blinding people, left and right!

Okay, maybe not, but I've figured out the central theme in my book (which is big, these days, the having of a theme). From what I understand, a theme is the basis and reason for the self-discovery and subsequent change of the protagonist. At least, that's what my theme does. Your theme can do whatever the hell you want it to :P

The theme is dating. More accurately, the seventh circle of Dating Hell. She just cut it off with a guy, but keeps hooking back up with him -- mostly because he's 'comfortable', but she's not happy (he's a bit of an ass). Her ex is wanting her to move to San Diego to be with him, but that was an unresolved relationship and she's not sure if he's the right guy, either. Sooooo. Her good friend Taylor at work (who never seems to have a shortage of men) volunteers to set her up with guys she knows, and the two of them also work on her profile on a dating website. Her family (who doesn't really like the guys she's dated in the past) jumps in with some suggestions and prospects of their own. She's in a whirlwind of men, but never seems to meet one she really connects with. She does meet a LOT of men she'd like to connect with in another sense -- her boot to their ass. In the process of frustratingly dating a wide spectrum of men, she finds out who SHE really is and what she really wants, and also that she doesn't need a man to feel complete.

I would tell you a tidbit -- but I'd like for you to read it to find out who she ends up with. So, no spoilers for you!

  posted by tokitikki @ 9:52 AM

 
OMG, twice in the same day!

Alright, I've got the first nine pages of the book done, which I think is a pretty damn good start, considering. But the reason I'm looking up is because I've sketched out exactly what needs to happen in the first chapter, in order for you to want to read the next one. At least, if I'm any good as a writer, you will. If not, then it's cheap firewood :)

Her name is Julie, by the way. It worked out really well, and you'll see why...most likely when you read it, unless I happen to blog drunk one night, drowning my sorrows in a bottle of red wine...please. If I ever, ever, ever blog drunk and it's really bad...someone shoot me, please. It would be much easier to deal with.

So, I'm super tired today, I haven't been to sleep since yesterday morning at 8 am. I think I'd like to just fall over right now. In fact, I'm pretty sure I will, the minute I get home. I don't even care about food. Sleep is my elusive best friend right now. Speaking of food, I had a great lunch at Just Fresh, the health food place down the street. I had Dijon-Dill chicken salad. It was alright, just a bit dry, but it had AWESOME flavor. I have a thing for dill, so I'll probably try to recreate that at home. I'll try not to injure myself or any innocent animals in the production of said chicken salad.

I spent most of my weekend on the computer, playing a game, knowing I couldn't concentrate on writing with a 10 year old running around, much less my "other" housemate. I could have had the whole first chapter done if I had been LEFT ALONE. I would be sooo guilty if they saw this, because it would hurt their feelings. But they don't. So I dont' care. *cringe*

Had a blast on Sunday, it was Mel's birthday party/Memorial Day barbeque...in between showers of rain. I realized this weekend that I will always have a true friend in Mel, and it makes me love her that much more! She's AMAZING. I'll have to go on at length about Mel, one day, but I won't today.

I'm about to snore on my keyboard, so I'm thinking it's time to go home. :)

  posted by tokitikki @ 4:41 PM

 
My Bloginality is ENFP!!!

  posted by tokitikki @ 8:45 AM

 
*sigh*
I need to post waaaaay more often. How else will you know what's going on with me?

So, I've been working on my book. Sort of. I haven't got too far past the first page. I'm not quite sure what I'm doing. Is there a 'For Dummies' book on HOW to write a book? I'm getting frustrated because when I think I have something down that's good, I wonder if it's really what I want to say. And this fantasy novel thing is screwing me up, too. Should I make a timeline? or should I just write and see what happens? Now I'm thinking about writing *another* novel, only this one might be a bit easier, because I'm going to write about something I know. Life. Well, the little portion I've seen, thus far. Should be interesting. It's going to be a secret, though, because I'm not sure I'm ready to share what I have to say about my life just yet ;) Hell, I'm not even sure what I'm going to DO about my life just yet. But I do think that I have an interesting story to tell. But her name is not going to be Maigen. I think she should be Jan. Maybe not. Anyone have any ideas on names? I know when I hit the *right name* I'll know. Maybe.

I'm almost worried I'm going to suck at this being a writer thing. Which is kind of terrifying if you think about it. I mean, I love to read, but do I make a good writer? And if I do suck, will my friends tell me? Thank god I'm not being graded on this. I'd stress out and never finish and get an Incomplete in the class of Life. *snickers*
Now that I think about it, I'm going overboard. I'll worry about it when the day comes.

And I'm craving brownies. Mmmmmm. Brownies.

I'm going to buy some index cards. Because I can write out the details and review them. And because index cards are cool.

  posted by tokitikki @ 9:54 AM

 
I'm so not in the mood for waxing poetic today. I was reading jester's blog today, and for his May 10th post I noticed a 'thing'. And since I'm semi-notorious for borrowing 'things' I decided to do it to :) Only cause it's fun. Turns out, I had to do a bit of work for mine. Adrian introduced me to Anggun, and now I'm all but stalking her because she rocks. I really like her style. I'm *really* glad Adrian turned me on to her. Thank you.

Anyways, so for this 'thing', I chose Anggun, and I think the point of it is: you pick a band/singer and answer a few questions using only their song titles as your answer. So, since I didn't know THAT much of Anggun's work, I had to do a bit of research. And what I found was: She's been recordings since 1989 or sooner (HA! I was 8..hehe) and so when I looked through her earlier indonesian work, the translated song titles worked well for me too. I'm not making sense here, but here's the 'thing':

1. Are you male or female?
"A Gift From A Woman"

2. Describe yourself:
"Tell Them How We Feel Inside"

3. How do some people feel about you?
"You Make Me Understand"

4. How do you feel about yourself?
"Chrysalis"

5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend/interest:
"Signs of Destiny"

6. Where would you rather be?
"By the Moon"

7. Describe what you want to be:
"Admit Defeat To Be The Conquest"

8. Describe how you live:
"Living Beneath The Illusions"

9. Describe how you love:
"My Sensual Mind"

10. Share a few words of wisdom:
"Look Into Yourself"


  posted by tokitikki @ 10:15 AM

 
I don't know where to start. I've got this gut feeling going on, like a literal feeling. I mean, I feel physically nauseated. I feel ill. But it's not like, OMG I feel so gross because I have the flu. The only way I can describe it is: the first time you went on the roller coaster, and you're going up the big hill. You heard the clack-clack-clack of the gears pulling the cars up, so loud it drowns out your friends yelps of excitement beside you. All these horrible things are running through your head, all the things that *could* happen. Your heart is beating it's way out of your chest and you close your eyes at the pinnacle of the hill and breathe deep. Right there. That moment, when you're so scared you're about to puke and so excited you could cry... that's it. That's how I feel. Only it's kind of odd, because I'm sitting on my swivel chair at work (silver this week) and looking out the window, watching the cars go by, listening to jazz and the situation isn't quite the same.

Or is it?

Somehow, it seems, that in the turmoil of my thoughts, I've made a decision, and I've begun the trail, only there's no outside manifestation of it, not just yet. I'm scared, I don't know what the outcome is going to be. I haven't figured in all the variables. I've polled my friends, neighbors and strangers...and then I threw all their good words of advice and admonishment in the toilet. I'm so fucking tired of living my life because it's what's expected of me. I've done it since day one. My motto should be "I live to please" because it's what I do. I am so caught up in the pleasing and happiness of other people, that I don't know what I want anymore. I have a bit of an inkling, and I'm holding on tight, because if I lose it, I'm scared that I'll be more lost than I ever was.

It's not that pleasing other people makes me unhappy, quite the opposite, I like to do for others, it makes me happy. It gives me a purpose and a meaning. But to discount what I think is necessary for my own happiness, because the people I care about won't be okay with it - well that's just silly. You know what? When I think about it...they'll be just fine without me. They were doing well before I came along, and as much as I hope and think I've made an impact, a difference a subtle change in their lives; life will continue without me there to direct it to. Furthermore, if they care about me as much as I care about them, they would want me to be happy, wouldn't they? I would think so too.

Ah, but here's the tricky part. Will I be happy? Making a decision that I think is right...will I be happy?


I don't know, to tell you the god's honest truth. But I'm willing to try. Because if now isn't the time to do it, what is? When will the iron be hot, so to speak? When I'm 30? 40? 65? I don't want to live the winter of my years regretting taking that leap and seeing if I'm going to fall or fly.

I have Hope and Hope always floats up.

  posted by tokitikki @ 11:53 AM

 
Can someone please explain this? I've wondered for long enough...now start talking.

  posted by tokitikki @ 9:43 AM