CD of the morning: Andrea Bocelli - blind Italian tenor, you may remember him from the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show a couple of years ago. Incredible voice, wonderful classical music. Had a bit of techno going this weekend...but since I only have like, 5, I think I pissed off my neighbors...

Oh well ;)

I had a crafty weekend. I painted a nifty dish that I think I'm going to take to work and put candy in. That would make it a candy dish, wouldn't it. Hmm. But it's all dark greens and browns and golds...I really like it. I'm going to try to do a vase like it, but I used the layering technique. I put the shiny thick gold chunks on the glass and the green and brown and gold over it, all blended-like so it showed through the cracks. Then I covered it in bronze paint, so it's antique looking. I'm sure it sounds pretty ugly, but since I like it... :P I'm going to start putting pictures of my art online at some point...it would be nice to have, at least. I made a couple of necklaces and did some paintings, I had a blast :)

I started a new book also, called 'Fortune's Rocks' by Anita Shreve -- book report to follow :)

not a whole lot of other news...nice boring desk job :)

  posted by tokitikki @ 11:51 AM

 
I forgot my cd's at work today, so I'm forced to endure the occasional admercial for crap I have no intention of ever buying, and I don't get a choice of music. I went through and looked for lounge music, so I'm doing okay with Billie Holiday, Louis Armstrong, Glenn Miller and Frank Sinatra - with the rare Buddy Holly thrown in for good measure.

***two hours later***

gawd, I hate getting distracted by work...

I switched over from a little bit of rockin' and romancin' to some slow action. Anggun, Dido, Enya ... all the cool one-named chicks, it seems. Here's the best:

By the moon - Anggun -- argh, I'd post it, but that would involve work....


*****edit: ha! turns out you can't use < or > as brackets on my blog either...dammit.



  posted by tokitikki @ 4:07 PM

 
I feel like writing a country song...

It's been forever since I've written, and looking back, I smile and think: "yeah...I feel like that still". *sigh* It's nice.

Today was Easter. Easter is a great holiday, full of religious meaning and fervor and prayers - but only if you go to church. To me, Easter means jelly beans, chocolate rabbits and hyperactive children screaming through the neighborhood. Speaking of chocolate rabbits, where the hell do they come in? I don't recall Jesus raising rabbits, or was that one of those bible stories I missed? Personally, I think it's just more proof that commercialism has taken over our lives. There are very very few people in the world with original thoughts still rattling around in their fluff-filled heads. Sad really.

So I rented 'Four Feathers' with Heath Ledger over the weekend. Won't say much about it except: Exceptional movie. Plot outline: "A British officer resigns his post just before battle and subsequently receives four white feathers from his friends and fiancee as symbols of what they believe to be his cowardice." I quite enjoyed actually thinking for 131 minutes, which doesn't happen often in conjuction with watching a movie. Which was proof when two hours later I commenced to watch "Maid in Manhattan" - total chick-flick tripe, complete with gorgeous maid-turned-wannabe socialite, a gorgeous hunk of man (Ralph Fiennes - one of my top four, I must note) and the do-gooding friends I never seem to find real-world proof of.

Back to the Easter proceedings. Had lunch with my family today, which was fun as usual, with one exception. My dad and his new wife (and her truly obnoxious son) got a new puppy! It's THE cutest thing in just about the whole world (insert girly, high-pitched cooing here) It's a long-haired miniature Dachshund, with toffee colored fur that has dark brown spots all over. OH oh! and it has one blue eye and one green eye. I think it's about six weeks old, so it still smells like puppy, and nibbles on your fingers and whatnot. Anyways, I'm rambling. So, I'm cooing over this adorable puppy, when I realize that I haven't seen *my* dog yet. My dog is Pixie, a miniature chihuahua...yeah I know...and she's 13 and the sweetest thing, she's been my baby for well, that long. This is where I kind of blundered into some bad news that no one wanted to tell me, but I'd rather find out abruptly than have it broken to me 'gently'. So to make a sad story short, she's being put to sleep tonight. Needless to say, I cried for about an hour, but I'm going to be okay. She'll feel better, and be in a better place, I think. It seems that she has had a brain tumor for a while now, but they never scanned her head for problems, just her body. Anyways, so this is where I need to write a country song...I think I fit the typical format...my dog died, my truck...wait a sec -- I don't have a truck!

Yay!

*sigh*

I don't think I'm making much sense, so I'll cut this post off before it gets any worse :)

  posted by tokitikki @ 6:16 PM

 
I hope everyone in the world is feeling really warm and loved because I'm RADIATING IT!

*sigh*

sometimes 2346 miles feels so far away.

So, this weekend, I went and hung out with the family. Was a blast. My dad got hitched to wife #3 last week. I said: "Dad, I love you man, but you know how it works. Three strikes and you're out." I interpreted the look he gave me as 'what have I gotten myself into this time'. But that's his issue. I do love the fact that regardless, my family is a) a great time and b) ALWAYS there for me. So when I spring "I think I'm going to move clear across the country" on them, they take it in stride and tell me to do it while I'm young. Of course they also told me to get a one way ticket to St. Thomas and work as a bartender for a couple years...but that's the alcohol talking. I think moving to say, Canada would be a wise choice. I hear Victoria is nice this time of year. Or anytime, for that matter.

I don't have much more to say than, I'm in such deep smit, I'm drowing and loving it at the same time. What I think is so wondeful is that he feels the same way. I'm well beyond being just "lucky", but I don't know the word. I care deeply for someone, I have incredible friends and an outstanding family. What more could I ask for? Oh yeah, the unexpected monetary windfall. In 100's preferably.

Anyone want to buy my couch?

  posted by tokitikki @ 10:45 AM

 
About me:

· Margaret Suzanne Thomas – Named after both of my grandmothers, and I like it now. I didn’t used to.
· My grandmother, Suzanne, the one from my dad’s side, is the most important person in the world to me, and also the biggest influence.
· I’ve been told that I have an old soul.
· I don’t like to watch TV. I prefer movies or music.
· I get sidetracked easily, which is why I get lost, both physically and in thought.
· I think I can breathe underwater. Ask me to explain that sometime, it’s a freaky story.
· I love to cook, and I must say, I’m pretty good at it. But I get carried away with spices and such and that scares people off
· I hate to clean, but sometimes I’ll get in a cleaning frenzy and clean everything in sight.
· I’ve had my nose broken twice. It sucked both times.
· I think I’m pretty funny. But that could just be me…
· I like to make people feel good about themselves
· I used to be commitment phobic. Now I want guarantees. Neither way works perfectly.
· I believe in love, but not love at first sight.
· I believe that love is learning to see an imperfect person, perfectly.
· I have rose-tinted glasses that remain firmly in place, regardless of what happens
· I believe in fate, luck and the fact that mint chocolate chip ice cream can cure all woes.
· I really do want world peace. The state of the human race, both physically and emotionally, deeply saddens me.
· I say I’m allergic to drugs, but really, I just don’t like to do them.
· I’m a control freak – but not all the time
· I don’t like to hurt people, and I’ll try to do the right thing no matter the cost to myself.
· I’m self-conscious about my height. 5’10 is tall for a girl.
· I sometimes feel like I don’t have a purpose in life, but I think I just haven’t found it yet.
· I love to paint. But I love my paintings, so it would break my heart to try to sell them. I’m also scared that no one else will like them.
· I crave carbs. I love bread, pasta, bagels, crackers – anything with starch in it.
· I love reading, and I’ll read anything. I have over 800 books in my apartment, and I refuse to get rid of any of them
· I design clothes, but I never pursued a career, there’s just too much competition.
· I think people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
· I dream in color, and vividly.
· I wear glasses. I can’t see details past about 5 or 10 feet, which is why I don’t recognize people in public a lot of times.
· I love to dance. I took ballet, tap and jazz; and I started to teach ballroom dancing. I used to want to compete.
· My favorite flower is the star-gazer lily.
· I don’t have a favorite color, but my ‘signature’ color is turquoise. There’s a difference.
· The one car I really, truly want is a jeep. Other than that, they just get me places.
· When I listen to music, I close my eyes so I can feel it.
· I love the ocean, but I prefer to be in the mountains.
· I love all sports, and I yell at the TV during football games.
· I’m always honest. But I think I’m lucky that I can put my honesty into words that don’t hurt people’s feelings.
· I love red wine. But for some reason, my favorites all come from Australia.
· I want to go to Paris someday.
· I used to speak French fluently, and I hope to again one day.
· Quantum Physics fascinate me, and I try to learn more whenever I can, so I know what I’m talking about.
· I will argue a point into the ground, but when I’m wrong, I’ll admit it. I’ll probably pout, but I’ll admit it.
· I’m scared of spiders.
· I’m in a never-ending debate about creationism vs. evolution.
· I like to sing…in the car and in the shower.
· I don’t think I’m making any sense as I’m writing this, but no matter. I don’t think I do normally.
· I am in deep smit, currently.
· I am currently writing a book, but even with pages and pages of plot and character development, it still took me two years to write a first page.
· I don’t ever want to divorce, so I’m scared of getting married.
· I’m addicted to shoes.
· I hate when guys leer at me. They think they’re being cute and aloof, but really, it’s just scary.
· I didn’t get my driver’s license until I was almost 19.
· I have a bad habit of interrupting people, and I feel so bad. Just tell me to shut up.
· I am very impulsive and spontaneous and I have to control that sometimes.
· I love the smell of my own perfume. I’m not sure why, but it’s yum.
· Vanilla is an aphrodisiac. Oysters, however, are not.
· I’m highly allergic to shellfish, but I love seafood. And sushi
· I talk in my sleep
· I get passionate about things I believe in. I fight for what I want
· Odd things inspire me. People mostly. And their feelings.
· My birthday is July 20th. I always hated not being able to bring cupcakes to school.
· I have a tendency to hang up when people put me on hold and leave me there.
· My mood fluctuates, but I’m usually happy and smiling.
· I’m not sure why, but if you look closely when I laugh, I’m crying at the same time. I’ve always done it.
· I blush when I’m embarrassed. So, I generally blush a lot
· I wear a fake engagement ring so guys don’t hit on me.
· Challenge only inspires me to do better and be better
· I think I’m boring sometimes. Like now.
· I’m a messy person, but it’s not icky dirty messy. I say it’s the sign of a creative mind.
· I try to have good posture. I remind myself not to slump or slouch
· I regret ever getting a credit card. So does the company that gave it to me
· I have a birthmark on my thigh, but I can’t show it in public.
· I hate bathing suits!
· I’ve never been camping. I think people think I’m too girly.
· I almost got arrested for doing 95 miles an hour in a 55 mph speed zone. I was lucky. 10 minutes earlier I was going 115. I realized what could have happened and I regret even thinking about it.
· I always get my best Ideas when I’m about to fall asleep. I’m too lazy to get up and write them down, so I usually forget them
· I trust my instincts. I just don’t always make the right decision based upon them.
· I hate being bored. I try to stay busy and challenged
· I hate answering the phone
· I think I’m an interesting person
· I like tall buildings and pretty skylines
· I can’t paint anything lifelike. It never comes out right. My mind distorts what I see, so everything comes out abstract.
· My favorite outfit is a sweater and jeans
· I don’t think I understand what the fuss is
· You are music to my heart. You know who you are, and how much you really mean to me. At least, I hope I’ve made that clear.
· Thunderstorms scare me, but I go out to play in them, regardless
· I’ve danced in the rain, and pretended I was in a movie
· When I cry, my face gets blotchy and the end of my nose gets red. It’s so not cute.
· I love those restaurants that are really converted houses. They feel so intimate and elegant.
· I burn the candle at both ends
· My family has been and will always be there for me.
· When I’m truly mad, I get very quiet. When I’m just pouting I, well, pout.
· The best food in the world is my grandmommy’s chicken and dumplings. I need to learn how to make it, but I know it will never be as good. Maybe it will when I’m a grandmommy.
· I value my friendships, and am fiercely loyal to my friends. I will defend them to the end, even if they’re wrong.
· I’m clumsy, and I hate embarrassing myself


  posted by tokitikki @ 12:17 PM

 
We don't bring out the best in each other.
He's unhappy and it shows. We bicker, constantly. When we aren't fighting, we aren't speaking.
When you're unhappy, don't you usually try to put a stop to what's making you unhappy?
But what if it's a relationship? That fickle, ever changing dance, is the intangible reason for why you feel like crying for hours every day.
What do you do when it just doesn't work, when giving your all to make the other person happy just isn't enough?
It hurts to say "give up", doesn't it? It feels like you've failed, only there was no book, no study group, no test.
It's sad when you notice the bright star of your love for that person has faded to a mere glow on the horizon.
It almost doesn't hurt that much, but then you remember the good times, the happy times all anew and it burns as bad as it ever did.
Is this okay?
We're allowed to change our minds right?
Only, it's a bit more complicated when there are other people's feelings to consider.
Maybe the other person is having the same feelings. Only they're much better at hiding them. Maybe they play make-believe too.
Maybe if you both ignore it it'll just float away on the breeze, and you'll wake up in the morning to a fresh, new day, and it'll be like the beginning.
It's not that easy is it.
Take a deep breath and remember: You don't have to be perfect. Be you.
If the you they fell in love with isn't the you of today, ask yourself why. If they aren't the same, think about that too.
But in the end, remember, and keep telling yourself that people make mistakes, and it's not the end of the world.
That 'forever' you promised each other might not come true in this life. You both have some growing to do. Some living and some learning, some teaching and a bit of knowing.
You'll cry, you'll feel as if your heart is breaking.
But tomorrow is another day.

  posted by tokitikki @ 11:53 AM

 
Do you ever get the 'what ifs'?

Do you ever look at your life, or even just a small bit of it and think: 'what if I had made this decision differently?'

Do you ever look at the person you're with and think 'What if I wasn't with you?'

Do you ever look at your future and think: 'What if I just said 'screw it' and did what I want?'

Do you think it will turn out so bad? Do you think you'll wish you'd never thought it? Do you ever hesitate to go for your dreams or reach for the stars or try something different because you're not sure if you'll be happy with the outcome?

Do you ever hate yourself for not having the guts to do it in the first place?

Do you ever get rooted in one spot, thinking you might be there for an eternity, becuase you aren't sure which 'what if' to follow?



Yeah. me too.

The theme today is introspection, and I'm the one with the issues. But hopefully, soon, with a little guidance, I'll find my niche soon enough. Maybe when things go bad, it's life's way of telling me: 'move along, nothing to see here'. Maybe I shouldn't look for so many 'signs' or reasons and just be.

  posted by tokitikki @ 12:22 PM

 
Song of the decade: It's later, I'm waiting still the best song in the world. :) my love to matt :)

I hope you'll agree that it's beautiful and I love it very very much.

Another song of his, eight days a week I love this one too :) This one is performed by the band SaintFace.

They both mean a lot to me :)

  posted by tokitikki @ 1:35 PM

 
So, yesterday was kind of a let down. I got a call from the recruiter I'm working with. I had my fingers crossed for this job I did two interviews for, and I had a great feeling that it was going to go well. And then I get the CALL. I didn't get it. So, now I'm back to being nervous, my stomach is in knots, and I hate that feeling. I'm such a control freak. I CRAVE stability. I NEED stability. Actually, all I need is a paycheck, on a regular basis...I'll settle for that. I can't stand worrying about not being able to pay bills, or wondering how long the current temporary job is going to last.

I have a few leads, but I'm hoping for that magical appearance of a wonderful job, with wonderful people and wonderful pay. Is that too much to ask?

Actually, this morning I got really depressed because I realized something. I don't really have a career. I'm temping at an architectural design firm, and it looks fascinating, but as I'm looking at what people do, I realized that unless I go to college and figure out what I want to be 'when I grow up', I'll never be more than someone's assistant. I don't have goals to reach or awards to win, thre is always going to be someone who can replace me if I don't show up. I do the background work, which yes, it's important, but it doesn't exactly bring in revenue to the company. Kinda makes one feel, well, not so great.

  posted by tokitikki @ 9:06 AM

 
First Entry, and already I'm tempted to start quoting MST3000. Pretty sad, really. Fortunately, this isn't going to be my permanent address, which is great, because I hate ads. On the other hand, it will remain my address until such time as I have MONEY. So, to get an idea of what I should do with my time here, I did a bit of research. I looked at all the blogs in the rings and turned green with envy over how COOOOL they all looked. And... then I signed in to here, so we know how well that went, don't we. So, to buoy my spirits a bit - they were sinking, expecting this website to get 0 hits - I looked at the first entry on the mischiff blog and I realized that when these guys started, it wasn't perfect and awe-inspiring either. So, I feel a little better. I think I'm going to pick up writing in my journal again, which I think will help me keep my random thoughts in enough order to make sense to the person reading them...but will also be an enriching experience for me. I'm really hoping to get that Moveable Type thingie in here, but since I'm (shhhh) at work right now, I can't download anything. So, look for that in upcoming news :)

  posted by tokitikki @ 1:59 PM