Ladies and Gentlemen....and anything else that happens to stop by...

I'm upgrading a bit (to take a cue from Jaime) because I can finally have COMMENTS!!!

so clicky yourself on over to... here


*hugs* see you soon!

  posted by tokitikki @ 1:04 PM

 
"Realizing our spiritual nature is the highest and greatest good of human existence."

True or False?


Not even a question! There is no 'true or false'. The presumptuousness!

First things first – the usage of the word “our” implies that the speaker is a human and therefore: imperfect, fallible, gullible, stupid, immature, greedy, self-serving, materialistic and … just like everyone else. It is simply not possible for a single person to speak for the whole of existence, no matter how spiffy you may find yourself. Unless, of course, there is a god, and you happen to him, her or it.

EVEN THEN, however, the question and your ‘right answer’ would merely be your own OPINION.

Your Spiritual Nature is a personal thing; it cannot be shared or replicated by anyone else. You may not consider it the greatest good of your OWN existence, much less anyone else’s. The actual act of realization may also not rank high on your to – do list, for that matter.

It’s shit like this I used to get fed up with in school. This is not a test, or a quiz; this is not something you can take and learn from, unless it’s debate class. But even then, there is no finite answer; no final counter-point to be made that can ‘win’ the match.

As hard as it is for me to accept, there are a lot of ignorant people in the world who would circle “yes” and accept that as the final answer, close the book and move on with their lives. It’s these people I choose not to surround myself with, but unfortunately, I seem to run into them when I run out to get sushi and pick up milk.

I like the question. I have ideas that grow out of that question, and I accept and cherish my ability to do that. But to actually offer two options, one of which is expected to be the correct answer…that just stupefies me.


  posted by tokitikki @ 11:50 AM

 
1. What's one thing you've always wanted to do, but never have?

be completely and totally selfish, even if it means that someone might not like it. There's always something keeping me from focusing on what I want, regardless. I always have responsibilities and priorities that interfere.

2. When someone asks your opinion about a new haircut/outfit/etc, are you always honest?

yes, because I'd rather tell them they look stupid than actually GO OUT with them looking stupid. People get over that stuff as long as you have a skill called *TACT*. But if you don't have that...be quiet.

3. Have you ever found out something about a friend and then wished you hadn't? What happened?

There are many things that fall into the realm of Too Much Information, but I can't say I've ever wished I didn't know something about someone. That would be like wanting to change them in some way.

4. If you could live in any fictional world (from a book/movie/game/etc.) which would it be and why?

ARGH! That one is soooo hard for a person who LOVES books! Depending on my status in the world and extenuating circumstances, I would have to say Kaleer from The Black Jewels trilogy, or quite possibly Selium from 'Green Rider'.

5. What's one talent/skill you don't have but always wanted?

The ability to grant my own wishes.

  posted by tokitikki @ 11:25 AM

 
Once again, I'm in a funky mood, and when I'm like this, music tends to take on different meanings. I'm listening to Pearl Jam's "Better Man" and I keep getting distracted from work.

Waitin', watchin' the clock
It's four o'clock, it's got to stop
Tell him, take no more
She practices her speech, as he opens the door
She rolls over
Pretends to sleep as he looks her over

1-She lies and says she's in love with him
Can't find a better man
She dreams in color, she dreams in red
Can't find a better man, can't find a better man
Ohh

Talkin', to herself there's no one else
Who needs to know
She, tells herself, oh...

Memories back when she was bold and strong
And waiting for the world to, come along
Swears she knew it, now she swears he's gone
(rpt 1)

She lies and says she still loves him
Can't find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man

She loved him, yeah...
She don't want to leave this way
She feeds him, yeah
That's why she'll be back again

Can't find a better man...

I've interpreted this song differently through the years. At first, I thought that it was about abuse (and it might be). I've thought about it more in terms of expressing the difficulties of leaving the "good guy" even though the relationship is very, very unfulfilling. "She dreams in colors, she dreams in red", I take to mean that she is passionate and adventurous but feels trapped in an unfulfilling relationship.

The song is about...a woman. Who has lived her life WAITING for that "guy" the one she is satisfied with to whisk her away and make her life the "fairy tale" she has always wanted. She is strong, she hasn't lost it. She is just merely settling with the guy she has handed her self over to. She is just sad because she realizes that her life isn't where it should be. She needs more, expects more. Better yet, demands it. She dreams in color, because her life is dull and black and white. It is depressing to be living an ordinary life. She practices the speech because she realizes his heart will break, she has been in this situation before. He looks her over because he is the one who is truely in love. Yet, she doesnt care, she is sleeping, where her dreams keep her sane. SHE can find a better man, but realizes the position she has gotten herself in. The repetition of "Better man" is a hint, that she can find one but doesnt have the strength to let go of this "comfort zone"...

on a side note...don and I have broken up, which is very hard on me. he's at the apartment until he figures out where he's going to stay, and I'm staying with friends. I'm doing some soul-searching and finding ways to find myself again, so the next few months are going to be tough, but okay. As much as I hate to say it, I think I'll be postponing my trip until I know I'm only going for one reason, and not running from another. I don't want to mess up a good thing by dragging my problems along with me.

  posted by tokitikki @ 10:54 AM

 
Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...
If you smile
With your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...
Smile


  posted by tokitikki @ 1:43 PM

 
1. How many times have you truly been in love?

I thought it a few times, but when it ended I realized I was just infatuated. I’ve learned to love, but not be in love until it just happens…don’t force the IN love part. But loving is what we all need a bit more of anyways

2. What was/is so great about the person you love(d) the most?

Just…everything. I don’t have enough room on this website to go through every minute detail about him. He knows it and that’s enough for me. I tell him as often as I get a chance. Which, hopefully, averages about twice every five minutes.

3. What qualities should a significant other have?

The things you didn’t know you were searching for. Things that would never occur to you, but that just seem right when you meet that someone. The other half of my brain and my heart.

4. Have you ever broken someone's heart?

I’ve been told that, but as much as it hurt me to think I did, I had to realize that they were just words hurled at me by a very hurt person who didn’t know any other way to lash out. I can honestly say I’ve never broken someone’s heart, just hurt their feelings for a while. When it’s not right, you don’t like it ending, but you move on because it’s the best thing to do.

5. If there were one thing you could teach people about love, what would it be?

Some things I think you have to learn on your own. I would hate to take away from someone else’s experience by staining it with some of my own. A recommendation would be: Don’t waste it. Don’t throw it away. Live like it’s your last night on earth. Now if I could follow my own advice, I’d be thrilled.


  posted by tokitikki @ 3:30 PM

 
Here is the story I just read. It made me sad, it made me angry and here's what I feel:

Why are people so hateful? Why does someone see something that they like, respect or envy and feel the need to destroy it? It doesn't help them to have what they've just destroyed, and if they had the balls to work hard, they could have it to. It makes no sense to me, no matter how I look at it. It's the "if I can't have it, I don't want you to have it either" attitude. There is no reason why you can't enjoy it to, for what it is, for how splendid everyone thinks it is.

Why does this continually happen? Why was mankind built to be the destructors of all things beautiful and precious? Why do we tame wild horses? Aren't they wonderful and inspiring, running free across wide open prairies? Why do we break their spirits and ride them? Why do we turn a proud, spirited animal into a beast of burden? Why do we tear down rainforests? Why do we litter? Why do we see someone who's worked hard their whole life, and been honest and insist on breaking their spirits, tearing down their defenses? Does it teach them a lesson? Does it put them in 'their place'?

Who are you or I or anyone else to say whose place is where? Since when are you God? Or, if you don't believe in God, what supreme being are you? Where did you get this ability to make decisions that affect the lives - the livelihood - of someone else? You are the master of your own destiny, I hear, but where the fuck do you get off taking control of someone else's?

I don't respect people anymore, I'm growing entirely too cynical for my own happiness. Which is unfortunate, because I'm one of the few people who base their moments of happiness off of making other people happy. But when you get used again and again, and your kindness is expected but never repayed, where do you draw the line?

I can't and won't give my affection, care, interest, respect and love to any random person I meet. It's sad that I can't trust in the good in people. I'm not convinced that such a thing as 'good' exists anymore. And that hurts. Somehow, it hurts me deeply, and I'm afraid that it might never get better.

  posted by tokitikki @ 9:36 AM

 
Check this out, I thought it was pretty interesting, once I chewed through it, and caught what I thought was the meaning.

  posted by tokitikki @ 4:55 PM

 
I think this weekend held the most beautiful, perfect weather ever. Balmy, breezy and just oh-so-yum days with butter sunshine and minty freshness...

Anyways.

So, I went shopping for food and beer and liqour and snackies for the bachelorette party I'm having for my friend Pam. Should be fun. Not a male-appendage popsicle in sight, thank-you-very-much. Ick. I'd like to think I was a bit more classy than that, wouldn't you? The music is already taken care of, we're starting with some tropical music as people arrive and are lei'd. It's a Hawaiian Luau, so I requested that they wear suitible attire, thong bathing suits not included. I think we'll try out some top-40, of course, but later, we'll head into dj's mixes, and I know everyone will love them as much as I do -- I listen to them everyday in the car instead of (blah!) talkradio. I'm half-tempted to ask my brother to be our 'dancer' of the evening (not naked, thank god...ewwwwww), but I don't think he can make it, and I'm not even sure it's necessary. i ask you, who needs a half-naked man when you have tons of booze in the house!!!

I had something else to say here, but I've totally forgotten what it was, so I guess I'll just have to post again when I do remember.

Oh, as for an excerpt...*sigh* This is the very first page: (cringe)

*****
I think I’m dying.

At least, I think I want to.

My head is pounding, and my mouth is so dry I’m pretty sure I swallowed my pillow. I don’t want to open my eyes, I just know the room is too bright for me to handle. I squeeze my eyes more tightly shut and roll onto my left side, away from the window.

That’s a little better.

I snuggle deeper into my coverlet and try to go back to sleep, but now the throbbing in my head is resembling a techno song that I think I heard last night, which is impossible to ignore.

Speaking of last night…

Why, again, did I drink so much? Don’t I always regret it? Don’t I always say “I’m NEVER going to drink that much again”? Why do I never listen to myself?

As I’m pondering these recurring questions of the ages, I remember that I do indeed have at least two Tylenol in my quote-unquote ‘medicine chest’. The medicine chest is a small basket I keep in the cabinet above the stove. It’s normally empty with the exception of the completely necessary, extra-large bottle of Midol. But I know I have two Tylenol there because I got them in the mail yesterday as a sample. I’m just hoping it’s not Tylenol PM.

On second thought, I hope they are.

I think about the possibilities of that for a moment, but the need to pee overrules any other ideas I might have had. I also have the distinct notion that I smell somewhat like an ashtray. Not to mention the fact that my face feels completely gross, I must have been a bit too intoxicated when I got dropped off by a cab last night to wash my face. Nasty.

I peel back my light yellow sheets and coverlet, and sit up. My head swims blearily as my stomach tries to decide which corner it wants to crawl into. I slide off the edge of the bed and catch myself as the floor rises to meet me. I have the distinct impression that I’d really like to not smack my head on the hardwood floors that I so recently haven’t washed. I step over a white painted wooden stool, around a pile of (dirty?) clothes, trip over a sneaker (there’s that damn thing, I was looking for it yesterday) all on my way to the kitchen.

Being that I don’t have full control over my body functions yet, nor any semblance of hand-eye coordination, I overshoot my grab for the cabinet handle and slam my finger against the front of the cabinet instead. This breaks a nail. This does not make me happy. This also hurts.

I stick the offended digit in my mouth and proceed to suck on it. It made things “all better” when I was a kid, why wouldn’t it work now? Nursing my swelling finger, I reach up with the other hand, carefully, and pull down the packet I need right away, as it is perched quite happily on top of an upside down basket. Looks like I’m out of Midol too. That’s so not good.

It takes me a minute to get the childproof packet open, causing me to wonder what kind of mutant children this drug company works with, exactly. Please let these kick in soon. Actually, the headache has been slightly diminished by the fact that something – my finger – other than my head hurts. Funny how that works. I’m taking them anyways, to be on the safe side.

I toss back the Tylenol, washed down by water from the kitchen faucet ferried to my mouth by hand, and then head for the bathroom.
*****

  posted by tokitikki @ 9:49 AM